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    • Aug 13, 2023
    • 11 min read

15 Positive Parenting Tips

Updated: Sep 13, 2023


Positive parenting is a proven parenting method for healthy child development and there are a number of positive parenting techniques you can use with your kids to encourage healthy development.

As my son continues to get deeper into his toddler years, I have found parenting becomes more than just making sure he is loved, fed, sleeping, etc. Now that he is starting to learn boundaries and explore who he is and our family values I realized that my parenting style needed to be more formed. So I started reading and researching about parenting models. The CDC recommends using Positive Parenting and so it seemed to me to be a safe choice. As I have learned more about it, I have found the reason it is recommended to use positive parenting is because research has proven it to nurture brain development in children.


I believe that understanding positive parenting is essential for all parents. However, I think it is especially important for parents who were parented in a less-than-ideal matter. It can be second nature to use the parenting style that we were parented with. However, for many, there is a better way. It is also important to acknowledge that just because we may choose to parent differently from our parents, does not mean that our parents were not doing the best they could or that they didn't love us. In recent decades more and more information has been found that can help us all improve our parenting. When you know better, you can do better.


What is Positive Parenting?


Positive parenting is an approach that focuses on nurturing a child's emotional well-being while fostering a strong and loving parent-child bond. Positive parenting is essential to healthy brain development in children. Utilizing positive parenting promotes healthy brain connections, which leads to more confidence, independence, empathy, and joy.


Positive parenting involves acknowledging your child's emotions and needs to build a foundation of trust and connection with your child. It also involves setting developmentally appropriate boundaries and expectations and encouraging positive behaviors to teach children desired behaviors.


  • is nurturing, caring, and empathetic.

  • provides safety (physical and emotional).

  • encourages social and emotional skills.

  • encourages autonomy.

  • encourages decision-making skills.

  • encourages emotional expression.

  • encourages emotional regulation.

  • sets clear rules, expectations, and consequences.

  • does not condone physical punishment (can have negative effects on development).

  • emphasizes a strong bond and connection between parent and child.

  • emphasizes meeting the developmental needs of children.

  • requires consistency


Why use Positive Parenting?


Positive parenting is backed by research. Researchers have found that children whose parents utilize positive parenting:

  • are more successful in school.

  • have fewer behavior problems.

  • have better mental health.

  • have better relationships.

  • have more control over emotions and cognition during their teen years.

  • have better job prospects.

  • have healthier brain development.

It is also great for parents because it increased parent's confidence and reduces stress.


So using positive parenting is a win-win. However, it does take practice. For many people, parenting habits come from the way they were parented. With practice, patience, and persistence, consistently using positive parenting can transform the way you parent and your relationship with your child. It can make your family stronger, healthier, and happier. It can also make you feel better about your parenting and more confident in your parenting decisions.


Looking to transform your parenting? Check out Persistent Mama's 2024 Positive Parenting Planner for a positive parenting challenge each month!


Positive Parenting Tips:


So you may know you want to try positive parenting, but where do you start? Educating yourself on positive parenting strategies and child development (so you know what is developmentally appropriate for your child) is a great starting point.


Some other helpful tips to help you get started:


1. Practice regulating your own emotions


Part of positive parenting is staying calm so you can lend your calm to your child. This takes a fair bit of practice but is necessary to teach children how to regulate their own emotions and to make them feel safe.


Before parents can teach children how to regulate their emotions, we have to learn how to regulate our own. Tips on learning to regulate emotions:

  • Reflect on what triggers you so you can be aware in those situations

  • Examine how you feel physically when your emotions start ramping up

  • Explore what strategies work to help you calm down

  • Pause before reacting when feeling strong emotions

  • Name how you are feeling

  • Let yourself feel emotions (in a healthy/safe way)

  • Practice calming strategies when calm so you can access them when dysregulated

  • Be patient with yourself - this skill takes A LOT of practice, and no one is ever going to be perfect all of the time

  • Use apologies and repair for those less-than-perfect moments when you react poorly and remember this teaches our children that we don't expect perfection and how to apologize and repair in their own lives

2. Set developmentally appropriate expectations and boundaries


Understanding what is developmentally appropriate for children helps set reasonable expectations. It can be easy to fuss at a toddler who is doing something they have already been told not to do. However, it is important to know that toddlers have no impulse control because that part of their brain has not been developed yet. So they need a lot of gentle reminders and redirection when they are acting on those impulses.


Also, sometimes we expect more from our children than we do from adults. For example, we often expect children to be in a decent mood all of the time. However, as adults we have bad days, we get grumpy, and we show it. So it is important to keep in mind that our children are people and we need to show them empathy and understanding.


3. Use clear and simple directions so your child can understand


Using simple, clear, and brief directions are a recipe for success when directing young children.


I am completely guilty of going into a detailed explanation to my son about my reasons for some boundary or expectation. However, often keeping it simple is better because he can easily understand and communicate regarding those directions.


Other tips:

  • Make sure you have your child's attention

  • Have your child repeat the direction back to you

  • Give one direction at a time

  • Avoid asking your child something you want/need them to do (this makes it seem like they have an option --- BUT it is so hard to break this habit!)

  • Use a neutral tone

  • Be kind and respectful

  • Give limited approved choices when possible

  • Use specific praise when your child follows directions

  • Provide logical consequences (and follow through on them) when they do not follow directions

  • Model good listening

4. Hold firm, but stay kind, when enforcing boundaries


An important piece of what makes positive parenting effective is enforcing boundaries. First work with other parents and caregivers to determine your family values and the boundaries you plan to enforce for your family and home. Be sure everyone is on the same page so you can maintain consistency. Then determine how you can maintain these boundaries and set everyone up for success.


How is a boundary different from a rule? In short, while boundaries and rules are similar, a boundary is different in that you create an environment that enables your child to follow it within the confines of their developmental abilities.


For example, if one of your boundaries is that your children do not play with breakable items, then be sure to make those breakables inaccessible until your child is able to understand and resist the impulse to touch those items.


When you have boundaries in place it is vital that you stay firm on those boundaries. Tips for holding boundaries:

  • Clearly communicate boundaries

  • Use specific praise when they are respecting boundaries

  • Use neutral tones

  • Be respectful

  • Respect your child's boundaries in return

  • When your child is not respecting the boundary

    • Remind them of the boundary

    • Redirect to something else

    • Stay calm and neutral toned

    • Use logical consequences and follow through on them consistently (note: this is not a punishment)

5. Be consistent


Consistency is essential in positive parenting. Consistency enables children to know what to expect, which allows them to feel safe and secure. Consistent routines and expectations are vital so kids know what to expect from day to day. This is also important so children can learn your boundaries and limits. For example: if they know that having a tantrum will not get them what they want because you have consistently held this boundary, they are unlikely to continue throwing them long term.


6. Spend quality time playing with your child to build connection


Children crave connection and secure relationships with their parents and caregivers. Try starting a special playtime that you build into your daily routine. Start with even just five minutes a day. Research shows that even five minutes of special playtime can improve behaviors in children.


Tips for special playtime:

  • Give your child your full attention

  • During this time use active listening skills

  • Use specific praise

  • Be consistent - prioritize this time every day at a specific time

  • Let your child lead the play

  • Imitate what your child is doing (especially play/words/actions you want them to use more)

  • Commentate (like a sports commentator) what your child is doing

  • Show you are excited about this time with your child

  • Reflect your child's words/emotions

  • Limit questions and directions

  • Limit criticism

  • Ignore minor negative behaviors (stop dangerous/destructive behaviors)

  • Have fun!

7. Give your child limited choices when possible (to give them power and autonomy)


Giving your child limited choices is a great strategy to help reduce power struggles. For younger children, those choices should be extremely limited, but you can increase the amount/importance of the choices as your children get older and can have increased responsibility.


Tips for offering limited choices:

  • All options should be acceptable to parents/caregivers

  • Follow the options with "you decide"

  • If they ask for something that was not a given choice, you can agree to it if you find it acceptable, but if you do not, say "that was not one of the choices."

  • Be careful not to provide too many choices, which can overwhelming


8. Remember every undesirable behavior is because of an unmet need, so get curious about the reasons behind behaviors.


All behavior is children trying to fulfill a need. So next time your child is behaving in a way you find undesirable, before reacting try to think about what needs they are trying to meet. Then you may be able to fulfill that need and change their behavior in a beneficial and positive way. There are seven basic needs that kids need to be fulfilled:

  1. Survival / Safety / Security

  2. Unconditional Love / Belonging / Authenticity

  3. Attention / Affection / Appreciation

  4. Emotional Attunement / Empathy

  5. Power / Empowerment

  6. Freedom / Autonomy / Independence

  7. Fun / Play


9. Show affection for your child


Research shows that parental affection has a number of significant long-term benefits for children. So give your kids lots of affection and attention. As infants be sure they get a lot of skin-to-skin contact. As they get older, build hugging into your daily routine. Show them they are loved unconditionally by even giving them a hug when correcting undesired behaviors, such as after talking to them about why the behavior is not appropriate. Give them lots of affection, but respect their boundaries too (which will change as they go through different phases of growing up).


Benefits of showing affection:

  • increased lifelong happiness

  • reduced stress and anxiety

  • increased wellness

  • more positive social interactions

  • increased compassion

10. Be empathetic and understanding


While it is developmentally appropriate for young children to mostly be focused on themselves, it is an important time for them to begin to develop a sense of empathy. Our children learn from us, so by showing them empathy, they will start to develop empathy. This is the best way to teach empathy, by modeling it! Additionally, by showing our children empathy and understanding, they will feel seen, heard, and understood.


Benefits of teaching children empathy:

  • Helps kids build better relationships

  • Encourages kids to show acceptance

  • Promotes mental wellbeing

  • People with more empathy are more successful both personally and professionally

  • Increases happiness

  • Decreases stress


11. Show an interest in your child


There are a number of significant benefits that come when parents take a genuine interest in their children. By showing a sincere interest, you are increasing your bond with your child, which is great for your child's brain development. In taking an interest, you are increasing self-esteem, making them feel safe and loved, increasing social and academic success,and learning more about them as a person.


  • Give them your full attention

  • Ask open-ended questions

  • Play with them

  • Take an interest in what they are interested in

  • Create special family routines/rituals

  • Make time, especially for your child


12. Teach your child strategies for working through emotions and practice when emotionally regulated


Young children are completely dependent on caregivers to help them regulate their emotions. They cannot developmentally self-regulate until sometime between 7 and 12 (or beyond depending on their environment). So when they are young, it is important to teach them strategies to help them calm down when working through big emotions. Have them practice these strategies when calm so they will be more able to access them when upset. (Do not expect them to be able to access these strategies when upset without significant practice.)


Ideas for calm-down strategies (there are way more out there, you may have to try a few things to find what works for your child).

  • Breathing exercises

  • Physical activity (in place)

  • Gargling

  • Counting

  • A hug

  • Having a cold drink

13. Let your child feel and express their emotions (while maintaining boundaries)


Many people were taught as children that only certain emotions are okay. However, research has shown that people who accept negative emotions actually feel less negative emotions. What does this mean? It is important to let your children feel their feelings, all of them. Teach them how to feel and express their emotions and work through them in a healthy way that maintains your family boundaries. (For example: It is okay to be angry, it is not okay to kick mommy.)


14. Validate your child's emotions


A helpful tool in letting your child feel their emotions is validating their emotions. Validating your child's emotions is a great way to show you understand them. It doesn't mean you agree with the emotion they are feeling, just showing you understand what they are feeling. In addition to making your child feel understood, it can help them with working through the emotion and regulating.


Tips for validating emotions:

  • Name the emotion (when you name it, you can tame it)

  • Listen (use active listening skills) to your child without judgment

  • Tell them you understand and state why

  • Be genuine

  • Remember their feelings are real to them

  • Try not to fix their problem so the emotion goes away (this is so hard!)


15. Encourage positive behaviors by using specific praise when they are displaying desired behaviors.


Using specific praise is way more beneficial in promoting desired behaviors than just a vague "good job!". When you see your child behaving in a way you find desirable, tell them exactly what they are doing that you like to see. This makes it more likely they will repeat that behavior. Ideally, you want to praise more than you correct behavior.


Three examples of using specific or labeled praise:

  1. Great job putting your toys away!

  2. I loved seeing you take turns with your truck.

  3. Thank you so much for putting your laundry in your laundry basket to keep your bedroom picked up and neat.

Using specific praise takes practice to get into the habit. But it makes a huge difference!



Embracing positive parenting is a powerful way to build a loving and nurturing family environment. By prioritizing empathy, clear communication, and positive reinforcement, parents can strengthen the parent-child bond while fostering emotional intelligence and resilience in their children. As we embrace positive parenting principles, we pave the way for our children to grow into confident, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent individuals.


More Resources and Sources:

2 views0 comments
    • Jul 26, 2023
    • 10 min read

The Science of Reading vs. Balanced Literacy

Updated: Sep 13, 2023


Recently, there has been renewed interest in a decades-long debate on how schools are teaching reading. The argument is over if schools should use 'balanced literacy' or the science of reading.' This post breaks down what you need to know as a parent.

I love to read. I used to be a teacher and teaching reading was my favorite subject to teach. Recently, you may have heard controversy in the news about the reading curriculum being taught in schools. My child is not school-aged, so I only recently learned about this while listening to a podcast on 'The Fight Over Phonics.' This immediately struck my interest. Personally, I believe there is something in the middle, a sweet spot for teaching literacy.


Reading is arguably the most important subject for your child to grasp because without it they will be unable to be successful in any subject. Every subject uses reading. So this is why it is wildly important for our children to learn how to read. Unfortunately, there are a ton of families out there who are finding that the way their child's school is teaching reading is not effective and many children are falling behind.


When I was a teacher, teaching reading was my favorite subject to teach because I love and am passionate about reading. I also was teaching fourth grade, which means most of my students understood the basics of reading. Additionally, I used a small group rotation, so I was able to work more closely with students. These were all the reasons I loved to teach reading. However, reading is a difficult subject to teach. And on the teacher's end of things, you are often given a curriculum or style of instruction to follow by your school district. I went to many a training or professional development on reading instruction and the expectation is to follow it. So teachers do not have a ton of autonomy. However, parents can have a significant amount of power if you know what to do.


As parents, it is our job to advocate for what our children need to be successful. So for this reason, it is important to understand how your child is taught reading and its level of success. It is also important to understand how you can make your voice heard if you would like there to be changes to the curriculum at your school district. Hint: It is likely not through talking to your child's teacher, who likely does not have the power to change the curriculum being used. However, it is always a good idea to have open communication with your child's teacher.


What is 'balanced literacy'?


Balanced literacy is focused on the child's natural interests. It connects the different components of literacy: reading, writing, speaking, listening, and observing. For educators using a balanced literacy model, they want to encourage a love of reading and writing in children by allowing them a role in choosing what to read and write. Teachers would do this through read-alouds, shared reading, guided reading, and independent reading. Essentially, this method is founded on the idea that reading is natural and kids will pick it up on their own.


Lucy Calkins is a well-known proponent of a balanced literacy approach and a professor at Columbia. She created a profitable curriculum to sell to schools and districts that has been wildly popular in the past. She originally created a writing program that focused on children writing journals and using their lives and interests as the subject of their writing to help them learn to write. She then carried this philosophy over to create a reading curriculum.


So what does all of this mean? A love of reading and writing and encouraging students' interests seems like a good thing. And it certainly can be. However, there have been a number of developments in brain science that suggest that children need to learn phonics in order to learn to read effectively. Learning the different sounds of language and connecting those to written letters is vital to learning how to read.


In recent years, there has been a major shift away from balanced literacy in schools. However, a large number of schools still use balanced literacy. It is challenging (and expensive) to change a curriculum. Additionally, teachers have been teaching balanced literacy for decades and now they must relearn how to teach reading. This is a challenging and time-consuming task. Not to mention, that many teachers feel some sense of guilt that they were setting up so many students in the past to fail because they did not teach reading effectively.


What is the 'science of reading?'


The science of reading is a more structured approach and there is scientific evidence and research that shows that it works. The science of reading uses systematic, explicit phonics instruction to teach children to read.


Neuroscientists took brain images of young readers who were taught using the science of reading method and from those who were taught using a balanced literacy approach. They found that those who learned using the science of reading (phonics) were able to read more quickly and accurately and comprehend it better. This encourages early readers to read more because they understand and are rewarded by understanding what they are reading. On the other hand, for children who are reading slowly and unable to use their skills to put together letter sounds are more likely to get frustrated and be discouraged from reading.


I am a bit of a nerd about this kind of stuff, but I think brain science is so cool. How awesome that we can understand how our children can best learn to read by looking at images of their brains! So this means we need to use this information to help our kids read more effectively.


So science has uncovered a good starting point for teaching reading. First is phonemic awareness, which is essentially being able to understand and manipulate letter sounds and words. However, this is focused on oral language, not printed language. Examples: rhyming, isolating letter sounds ("what sound is at the beginning of the word "cat"?), and identifying syllables (clap out the syllables). It is also helpful if children know their letters.


Next, students learn to connect sounds with letters (graphemes). Graphemes include one or more letters. Examples of phonemes: the "eh" sound in the word egg, the "ch" sound in cheese, or "th" sound in mouth. Children need to be explicitly taught to blend sounds together to match the graphemes.


Children with a larger vocabulary are generally better able to decode (sound out) words and have higher comprehension. Children use their understanding of letters, sounds, and meaning to recognize a word. So vocabulary instruction also has an important role in the science of reading. It is also vital for children to have a strong grasp of oral language skills, sentence structure, grammar, vocabulary, and idioms because these are background knowledge needed for reading comprehension.


Why does this matter?


As mentioned earlier, reading skills are essential for your child to be successful in all academic areas. While some kids learn to read using the balanced literacy model, many do not learn to read effectively. You are your child's biggest and loudest advocate. So if you have any concerns about the reading curriculum being taught at your child's school, you may decide action is needed (more on this below). Additionally, there are things you can do at home to support it.


As much as 30 to 40 percent of children need explicit instruction in reading and phonics to learn to read. Other kids may learn to read, but not as effectively or fluently if they had explicit reading instruction. That explicit reading instruction is part of the science of reading approach, but not the balanced literacy approach.


So what happens if your child is not thriving using the reading curriculum their school or district is using? Generally, parents end up having to help either themselves at home or paying for tutors or other reading programs. While this may not be a problem for some, for others there is no room in their family budget to help pay for extra reading instruction.


This is important because it is critical to our children and their education that we ensure they are getting the literacy instruction they need to be successful readers.


Parent's Role


No matter what curriculum your child uses, parents play an important role in helping children learn to read.


At home


The absolute most important thing you can do for your child is to read with them from a very early age. But if you are looking for some other things to help your child, here are some tips that you can start with your child:

  • Make reading fun!

You do not want reading to become a chore or something that involves a lot of pressure and anxiety. So just have fun with books and reading.

  • Let your kids choose books

Let your child choose books they are interested in, but also provide books that will expand their interests and their worldviews.

  • Talk to your kids, all of the time

Talking and signing will build your child's vocabulary, which will help them with decoding words when they begin learning to read.

  • Teach phonemic awareness

Teach your child phonemic awareness by breaking words down into different sounds, breaking apart the syllables, and playing rhyming games.

  • Work on letter names with your child

Whether with paper and pencil or one of the many alphabet toys, working on teaching your child the letter names will help your child when they are learning to read.

  • Listen to your child read

When your child is able, let them read to you. Have them reread books too as repetition is helpful for beginning readers.

  • Encourage your child to write

Writing is an important part of literacy. Have writing tools available to your child. Encourage writing through letters, journals, stories, etc.

  • Ask questions

As you and your child read, ask them lots of questions about the stories. This will help improve reading comprehension.

  • Point out print

Observe (aloud) print that you see in the world as you and your children are out in the daily world.

  • Make reading a part of your daily routine

If reading is part of your daily routine, your kids will learn to love it. This will help encourage lifelong reading. Make reading time a non-negotiable in your child's (and your) daily schedule.

  • Have book traditions

Beyond bedtime books, make other book traditions. For example, I always buy a book and write a message in it for my child's birthday.

  • Encourage rereading

Repetition is helpful whether you are reading the book or they are. Repetition helps kids learn.

  • Model good reading and writing habits

Our children learn from us (both the good and the bad), so they will pick up on your reading habits. Show your children that reading and writing are positive parts of your life.


At School


If you are interested in making changes at the school level, you may not know where to start.


  • Talk to your child's teacher

Have a conversation with your child's teacher. Ask them questions: is my child struggling with reading? What specifically are they struggling with? What can I do to support them at home? What are you doing to support them?


(Note: if your child is struggling to read, also be sure to talk to your child's pediatrician. If your child has a learning disability, there are a number of resources and laws to support them too.)

  • Talk to your school administrator

Have a conversation with the principal and ask questions. What is being done to support struggling readers? What resources are available to support struggling readers? What does it take to change the reading curriculum (if applicable).

  • Talk to other parents

Find out if other parents have similar concerns. There is often strength in numbers when wanting to make significant changes.



Before getting started with trying to make big changes at the school or district level, I recommend doing some research. Find as much data and information as you can, so that you can provide reliable information as you meet with people. By staying calm and providing real information, you will be more impactful.


  • Meet with the school board

Most school board meetings have a time for public comments and you can ask the board to take action. (Be sure you know the policies around speaking before going.) If possible, get other parents to come as well - strength in numbers!

  • Schedule a meeting with a representative of the school board

Discuss your concerns and work on getting them on your side. A one-on-one meeting may be more effective in voicing concerns and learning the barriers to changing curriculum.

  • File a complaint

Your school board may have a formal way to file a complaint. You can also file a complaint on the state's Department of Education website. Again, there is strength in numbers. Get as many parents as possible to submit a complaint as well.

  • Involve the media

Try catching the attention of your local news networks. This will likely apply additional pressure. If you can find statistics (reading pass rates for example) to back up your claims, that can be helpful.

  • Look to the state

Many states are passing legislation regarding the reading curriculum in schools and that their pre-service teachers are learning at universities. Meet with your state representative to discuss your concerns and make state-wide changes.


Conclusion


Effective reading instruction is vital to student success in reading and other academic subjects. For decades, many children have not been receiving reading instruction that is based on the science behind how children learn to read. This has lefts many students behind in their ability to read and succeed in school. Recently, there has been a movement to return to systematic phonics instruction, which science tells us is a more effective approach to reading instruction.


Changing the reading curriculum is not an easy task for schools and districts to do. It is extremely costly and teachers have often been trained to teach using a balanced literacy (and been using that approach for decades). Additionally, teachers are often mandated to teach using a particular approach or curriculum, so they may not have the autonomy to change their approach. However, there is evidence that supports that this change is necessary. So if your child's school and/or district are not using a science-based approach, you may need to try to intervene.


As parents, we are our children's biggest advocate. So if you are concerned about the reading instruction your child is receiving it may be time to try to effect change. If you are trying to do so, I recommend doing a lot of research so you can make a strong and informed argument. Start by talking to your child's teacher and then start working your way up the ladder. Remember, be calm, reasonable, and respectful as you work to make change. In general, everyone wants the same thing: to do the best thing for our children.


Let's raise strong readers!


Remember Mama, you are doing a great job! You got this!


Resources for More Information/ Sources:

6 views0 comments
    • Jul 22, 2023
    • 13 min read

10 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

Updated: Sep 13, 2023


A strong parent-child relationship so your child has a secure attachment with their caregiver(s) is vital for healthy child development.

When my little one was first born I remember people telling me that I should hold him all of the time because it is impossible to spoil a newborn. As if loving on a child at some point becomes "spoiling" them. The truth is that a secure attachment with a loving and nurturing caregiver(s) is essential for healthy brain development in children.


Sometimes between all the things we have to do in our day finding time to ensure a strong relationship with children can be hard. This may be even more true if you, your child, or your family is going through a tough season or an exceptionally busy season in your life. It may be even more true if you have a hard time setting boundaries or showing emotions or for any number of other legitimate reasons. However, putting the work in to build your relationship with your child is worth the time and effort for you and for them.




Why is a solid parent-child relationship essential for child development?


The majority of brain development occurs before a child turns five. A secure attachment from the child's caregiver is vital for healthy brain development. (Older children draw on their relationships with their caregiver(s) too!) A secure attachment is beneficial for children because:

  • it helps them focus their attention.

  • it helps them develop effective social strategies.

  • it helps them feel safe in exploring new things, places, and experiences.

  • it provides a foundation for successful behavior outcomes.

  • it helps them with intrinsic motivation.

  • it helps them feel safe.

  • it helps them with emotional regulation.

  • It helps them with the ability to adapt and be resilient.

  • it increases their overall well-being.

  • it increases self-esteem and confidence.

Children who do not have a secure attachment are far more likely to have a variety of health and well-being and behavior problems. Unfortunately, people often face lifelong issues if they did not have a secure attachment.


This article on the NIH website provides a lot of information on the importance of childhood attachment if you are interested in reading more.




Tips for Building a Strong Parent-Child Relationship:


You may be interested in building a strong relationship with your child, but not fully sure how to do this, especially with a busy/hectic schedule. I have compiled a list of tips to help you build a strong relationship that can be integrated into even the busiest of schedules.



Tip 1: Be Present


These days there are so many different things pulling at our attention. It is so easy to be with our kids and also be checking our email or on social media or doing chores around the house or any number of other things. I am 100% guilty of this! I try to be intentional about giving my full attention for a little bit each day, though some days I am more successful than others. Try to find a bit of time each day to focus on your child(ren) without other distractions.


This doesn't have to be all the time, obviously, we all have a lot we need to get done. However, our children crave connection with us so spending a little bit of time each day to give them our full attention can help with listening and behavior because we are meeting one of their needs.


Some tips to be a more present parent with your kid:

  1. Observe and narrate your child's behavior using positive or neutral descriptions.

  2. Use active listening skills.

  3. Avoid interrupting as much as possible.

  4. Leave your phone in the other room (avoid temptation!).

  5. Enjoy it and remember too soon your child will be out of this season of their life.

Being mindful and present with your children may take some practice. Many of us are used to doing several things at once so less stimulation can be difficult. Keep practicing and be patient with yourself! No need to feel guilty we are all human. Just keep going and trying to give your full attention.


Tip 2: Communicate Effectively


Communication is key, but it can be hard with little ones who are still developing communication skills. However, it is also so important because is not only essential to your relationship, but it teaches your children how to communicate and build relationships.


Your communication with your child includes verbal and non-verbal communication. It is a great way to show you care, that you see them, hear them, and understand.


Tips for effective communication with your children:

  1. Use active listening skills.

  2. Use reflective listening - repeat back what they said in different words.

  3. Use age-appropriate language. Also, keep in mind your child's attention span based on their age.

  4. Use kind language and positive or neutral descriptions (avoid judgments or labels).

  5. Avoid bribes instead develop clear boundaries, set age-appropriate expectations, and encourage good behavior through praise.

  6. Help your child name their feelings -when you name it you can tame it. Also, watch their body language to help you understand how they are feeling. Listen and provide empathy without judgment. This also helps develop emotional intelligence.

  7. Use specific praise - "I noticed you listened the first time I asked you to put away all of your toys. Excellent listening!" instead of "Good job!"

  8. Use specific behavior-focused corrections when correcting behavior - "I do not like when you hit me, hitting is not kind behavior." instead of "Stop hitting! You are being mean!"

  9. Have fun! Being playful and fun is meeting one of your child's needs, so try to build play and fun into your daily routine.

  10. Be a role model. Your child is watching you and learning from your example. Use the communication skills you hope they will learn and use as they become adults.

Sometimes communicating with a child can be frustrating, especially if they are dysregulated. Remember to stay calm and be gentle with yourself and your child. It can take practice to use the communication skills you prefer. If things do not go as planned, wait until everyone is calm and you can apologize.


Tip 3: Show Empathy and Understanding


Everything is new to our little ones. Sometimes this is so amazing to watch as a parent when they are excited and curious about everything. But big emotions are also new and sometimes things can be overwhelming, and this is not as much fun for us. Yet our response is so important to developing a strong relationship and secure attachment and also for teaching empathy.


Tips for showing empathy and understanding:

  1. Ask how your child is feeling (they may need help naming the feeling, so you can suggest a feeling while still asking.) Give them an opportunity to explain how they are feeling from their own view.

  2. Validate your child's feelings - "Are you feeling angry because I won't let you play with your toy? We have to leave for school now, so we do not have time to play, but it is okay to feel angry."

  3. Do not judge how they are feeling - try to see things through their eyes and let them feel how are they feeling without sharing your own feelings.

  4. Do not immediately try to "fix it" or make the emotions stop. It is healthy for our children (and us) to feel emotions and we want to teach them how to handle the emotions, not make them go away.

  5. Stay calm - sometimes when our children feel dysregulated this can be triggering, but they need us to stay calm. Use calming strategies and/or take a minute to yourself to be calm, so you can help them.

  6. Use active listening skills.

  7. Ask open-ended questions they can't answer with one or phrase.

  8. Be a role model - our children learn from us, so be sure to show yourself empathy and understanding so they will show themselves empathy and understanding.


Tip 4: Set Boundaries


Boundaries are an important part of having a positive parent-child relationship. Sometimes people think that Positive Parenting means you have to be overly permissive, but that is not the case. You need to set boundaries, so your child knows what is and is not appropriate for your family and home. Children do need boundaries because:

  • it helps them feel safe.

  • it helps disrupt entitlement.

  • encourages healthy limits.

  • sets them up for success as adults.

  • helps them learn how to set healthy boundaries.


Tips for setting healthy boundaries:

  1. Decide what your boundaries are for your family. Every family is different so you need to decide what is important and acceptable for you, your family, and your home.

  2. Set rules, limits, and routines - this helps your child know what to expect and feel safe.

  3. Communicate clearly so your expectations are known to your child(ren) (be sure your expectations are age appropriate).

  4. Be consistent - consistent routines and expectations help your child follow the boundaries, otherwise, it can be confusing. Also, be sure to have consistent and natural consequences if those boundaries are not followed.

  5. Be calm, warm, and firm - staying calm, using a warm tone, while still holding the boundary firm is a must. You want to communicate that these boundaries are not negotiable, while still showing that you love and care without triggering your child's fight or flight response.

  6. Use specific praise when your child is meeting your expectations. "Thank you for listening the first time I told you to come to the dinner table, good listening skills!"

  7. Let your child decide their own boundaries and model following your own and your family's boundaries. Your child may really dislike being tickled or giving hugs to people (or any number of other things) and it is important to respect those boundaries, so they will respect the boundaries you have put into place. Our children learn from watching us, so be sure you are a role model.


Tip 5: Nurture Emotions


Nurturing emotions is very much related to showing empathy and understanding. Too often as adults, our first inclination is to make our kids negative emotions go away as quickly as possible. However, it is important we allow our children to feel all emotions and teach them to handle those emotions.


I recently realized that anytime my child is not happy, I was trying to figure out what was wrong so I could fix it. But personally, I have bad days sometimes (often for no particular reason) and it drives me nuts when someone tries to fix it instead of just listening to me. So why do I expect something different from my son? This made me realize I need to nurture my son's emotions and give him the grace I would give to an adult. Sometimes this is hard! But as with everything, I continue to practice.


Tips for nurturing your child's emotions:

  1. Let your child feel. It is important to let them know their feels are okay and it's good to show them (safely).

  2. Just be there with them. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just sit with our kid(s) in their feeling. Communicate with them that you are here and you will stay with them.

  3. Set boundaries. When big feelings come out it can be hard for our little ones to control their bodies, but it is important for all people and property to be safe from destruction. "All feelings are okay, but it is not okay to kick me."

  4. Remind them this too will pass. Our emotions are temporary, gently remind them they will feel better soon.

  5. Teach them strategies to deal with emotions. This way your child knows an outlet or strategy that will help them calm down instead fo a behavior that should be avoided. (Remember they need to practice these strategies when they are calm to be able to use them when upset.)

  6. Tell your child that they are good and kind. All of us make mistakes or have made bad choices. It is important for our kids to be told that they are not their mistakes. Your emotions are not who you are. You are good and kind even when you are angry or having a bad day.

  7. Be aware of what is age appropriate. Set age-appropriate expectations for you and your child. Very young children are completely reliant on you to help them regulate their emotions.

  8. Read books and use pretend play to teach your children about managing their feelings.

  9. You need to stay calm. Your child needs to borrow your calm and regulate their emotions. If you are getting upset too, it will likely escalate the emotional situation.

  10. Reflect once everyone is calm. It provides a great opportunity to discuss what happened, why, and how it could be handled better next time (or a great time to praise using coping strategies).


Tip 6: Be Supportive & Encouraging


Sometimes it is amazing how intuitive our children are. By showing our support and providing encouragement regularly, we can make them feel secure.


Tips for showing support and encouragement:

  1. Use active listening skills.

  2. Take an interest in your child's interests and experiences and if you have multiple kids honor their individuality

  3. Tell your child that you love them just the way they are

  4. Use specific praise often

  5. Let your child hear you talk about them positively

  6. Have fun with them as much as possible

  7. Give lots of hugs

  8. Have a special thing you do regularly with each child

  9. Include your kid(s) in family decisions

  10. Offer your child love and support even when they make mistakes

There are so many things we can do as caregivers to support and encourage our children to be who they are and know they are loved. Find what works well for your family.


Tip 7: Be a Role Model


Our children learn from watching us and others in their environment. I am sure we have all experienced our child repeating undesirable behavior from ourselves, siblings, other kids at school/daycare, and so forth. So it is so important to model the behavior we want them to use including in relationships. Your kids likely have learned about relationships from watching you and those they interact with regularly.


Tips for positive modeling:

  1. Be intentional about the environment your child is in because it is so important they are around good role models who reinforce positive behavior.

  2. Provide specific praise for good behavior often.

  3. If your child does see negative behaviors, talk to them about why those behaviors are not acceptable.

  4. Model good behavior yourself

  5. Don't expect perfection for yourself or your child. You will make mistakes and so will they. Show grace and your child will as well. Use mistakes as a learning opportunity.


Tip 8: Calmly Handle Challenges


When challenging situations arise, it can be difficult to remain calm. However, our children need our calm if they are going to be calm. Additionally, staying calm is a great way to show your child how to handle difficult situations themselves. It also provides a safe environment for them to handle the situation. It may take some time (a lifetime) of practice, but it is worth taking the time to practice remaining calm. Practice your own calming strategies when you are actually calm as you will better be able to access them when you need them.


Tips for being a calm parent:

  1. Pause and consider your child's brain development. Young children have not yet developed self control or emotional regulation. Use this pause to consider their point of view.

  2. Use your own calming strategies to stay calm as your child is not.

  3. Reflect - often we are triggered by our children's behaviors based on our own childhood. So take the time to consider what is triggering you, so you can make a conscious decision to stay cool in those situations.

  4. Take a break if you need one - sometimes you need a few minutes to yourself to catch your breath and regulate. Take one if needed (and if it is safe to leave your children), sometimes this may be after you have calmed them. (Personally, I think a little screen time is okay in this situation if you are using it as a tool to give yourself a minute to regulate.)

  5. Be kind to yourself. If you did not stay calm, wait until everyone involved is calm (including you) and apologize. Then consider how your response could be improved in the future and move on.


Tip 9: Show Your Love


This is similar to showing support and encouragement, but more broad. You know you love your child more than anything, be sure to show them the love regularly. Personally, my goal is for my child to never have a doubt in his mind that I love him unconditionally.


Tips for showing unconditional love:

  1. Tell your child you love them regularly, even (especially) on hard days.

  2. Ask your child open-ended questions and use active listening skills.

  3. Spend quality time together where you are present (regularly scheduled is great!)

  4. Get to know them and appreciate them for who they are (not who you think they should be or want them to be)

  5. Show support and encouragement for who they are as an individual

  6. Have family dinners (and cook it together!)

  7. Give specific compliments and talk about them positively (so they can hear you). (For my little one, I have started telling his stuffies specific compliments about him before bed, he loves it!)

  8. Show affection (our kids learn how to love from us and they need affection!)

  9. Celebrate them and tell them you are proud of them - make a big deal for them.

  10. Teach them - give them the skills to be successful by teaching them what you want them to know.

At the end of the day remember to show them love you also need to show yourself love. Keep practicing unconditional love and forgive yourself (and request their forgiveness when needed) when you make a mistake.


Tip 10: Remember These are the Glory Days


I think this is the most important one for me personally. I will often feel sad during these wonderful moments with my son because I know they are fleeting. However, I try to be grateful for each moment as it arrives because this is the time that I will never get back with my child.


Have you heard the song Glory Days by Gabby Barrett? I heard her explain that she wrote it because she always heard people use this term to describe something in the past. However, she felt like is so blessed and grateful for what her life is right now that she wanted to use it to describe her present. I loved this explanation!


Even in the daily struggle, enjoy every moment with your children. Too soon (for us) they will be adults.




Summary


A strong parent-child relationship means providing secure attachment for your child, which is essential for healthy brain development. It is vital to your child's development to provide a loving and nurturing relationship and environment for them to thrive. A secure attachment provides the nurture their brain needs to make neuron connections and meet key developmental milestones.


Depending on the way you were raised, it may be difficult to show love, affection, and nurturing outwardly with your children. That is okay, it just takes practice to develop the skills to do this. I hope these tips will help you develop a strong and lasting relationship with your kid(s).


Throughout this process remember to be kind to yourself as well as your children. No one is perfect! Keep practicing and keep showing up for your children and they will see the effort and love you give.


Remember Mama, you are doing a great job! You got this!


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