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    • Jul 22, 2023
    • 13 min read

10 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship

Updated: Sep 13, 2023


A strong parent-child relationship so your child has a secure attachment with their caregiver(s) is vital for healthy child development.

When my little one was first born I remember people telling me that I should hold him all of the time because it is impossible to spoil a newborn. As if loving on a child at some point becomes "spoiling" them. The truth is that a secure attachment with a loving and nurturing caregiver(s) is essential for healthy brain development in children.


Sometimes between all the things we have to do in our day finding time to ensure a strong relationship with children can be hard. This may be even more true if you, your child, or your family is going through a tough season or an exceptionally busy season in your life. It may be even more true if you have a hard time setting boundaries or showing emotions or for any number of other legitimate reasons. However, putting the work in to build your relationship with your child is worth the time and effort for you and for them.




Why is a solid parent-child relationship essential for child development?


The majority of brain development occurs before a child turns five. A secure attachment from the child's caregiver is vital for healthy brain development. (Older children draw on their relationships with their caregiver(s) too!) A secure attachment is beneficial for children because:

  • it helps them focus their attention.

  • it helps them develop effective social strategies.

  • it helps them feel safe in exploring new things, places, and experiences.

  • it provides a foundation for successful behavior outcomes.

  • it helps them with intrinsic motivation.

  • it helps them feel safe.

  • it helps them with emotional regulation.

  • It helps them with the ability to adapt and be resilient.

  • it increases their overall well-being.

  • it increases self-esteem and confidence.

Children who do not have a secure attachment are far more likely to have a variety of health and well-being and behavior problems. Unfortunately, people often face lifelong issues if they did not have a secure attachment.


This article on the NIH website provides a lot of information on the importance of childhood attachment if you are interested in reading more.




Tips for Building a Strong Parent-Child Relationship:


You may be interested in building a strong relationship with your child, but not fully sure how to do this, especially with a busy/hectic schedule. I have compiled a list of tips to help you build a strong relationship that can be integrated into even the busiest of schedules.



Tip 1: Be Present


These days there are so many different things pulling at our attention. It is so easy to be with our kids and also be checking our email or on social media or doing chores around the house or any number of other things. I am 100% guilty of this! I try to be intentional about giving my full attention for a little bit each day, though some days I am more successful than others. Try to find a bit of time each day to focus on your child(ren) without other distractions.


This doesn't have to be all the time, obviously, we all have a lot we need to get done. However, our children crave connection with us so spending a little bit of time each day to give them our full attention can help with listening and behavior because we are meeting one of their needs.


Some tips to be a more present parent with your kid:

  1. Observe and narrate your child's behavior using positive or neutral descriptions.

  2. Use active listening skills.

  3. Avoid interrupting as much as possible.

  4. Leave your phone in the other room (avoid temptation!).

  5. Enjoy it and remember too soon your child will be out of this season of their life.

Being mindful and present with your children may take some practice. Many of us are used to doing several things at once so less stimulation can be difficult. Keep practicing and be patient with yourself! No need to feel guilty we are all human. Just keep going and trying to give your full attention.


Tip 2: Communicate Effectively


Communication is key, but it can be hard with little ones who are still developing communication skills. However, it is also so important because is not only essential to your relationship, but it teaches your children how to communicate and build relationships.


Your communication with your child includes verbal and non-verbal communication. It is a great way to show you care, that you see them, hear them, and understand.


Tips for effective communication with your children:

  1. Use active listening skills.

  2. Use reflective listening - repeat back what they said in different words.

  3. Use age-appropriate language. Also, keep in mind your child's attention span based on their age.

  4. Use kind language and positive or neutral descriptions (avoid judgments or labels).

  5. Avoid bribes instead develop clear boundaries, set age-appropriate expectations, and encourage good behavior through praise.

  6. Help your child name their feelings -when you name it you can tame it. Also, watch their body language to help you understand how they are feeling. Listen and provide empathy without judgment. This also helps develop emotional intelligence.

  7. Use specific praise - "I noticed you listened the first time I asked you to put away all of your toys. Excellent listening!" instead of "Good job!"

  8. Use specific behavior-focused corrections when correcting behavior - "I do not like when you hit me, hitting is not kind behavior." instead of "Stop hitting! You are being mean!"

  9. Have fun! Being playful and fun is meeting one of your child's needs, so try to build play and fun into your daily routine.

  10. Be a role model. Your child is watching you and learning from your example. Use the communication skills you hope they will learn and use as they become adults.

Sometimes communicating with a child can be frustrating, especially if they are dysregulated. Remember to stay calm and be gentle with yourself and your child. It can take practice to use the communication skills you prefer. If things do not go as planned, wait until everyone is calm and you can apologize.


Tip 3: Show Empathy and Understanding


Everything is new to our little ones. Sometimes this is so amazing to watch as a parent when they are excited and curious about everything. But big emotions are also new and sometimes things can be overwhelming, and this is not as much fun for us. Yet our response is so important to developing a strong relationship and secure attachment and also for teaching empathy.


Tips for showing empathy and understanding:

  1. Ask how your child is feeling (they may need help naming the feeling, so you can suggest a feeling while still asking.) Give them an opportunity to explain how they are feeling from their own view.

  2. Validate your child's feelings - "Are you feeling angry because I won't let you play with your toy? We have to leave for school now, so we do not have time to play, but it is okay to feel angry."

  3. Do not judge how they are feeling - try to see things through their eyes and let them feel how are they feeling without sharing your own feelings.

  4. Do not immediately try to "fix it" or make the emotions stop. It is healthy for our children (and us) to feel emotions and we want to teach them how to handle the emotions, not make them go away.

  5. Stay calm - sometimes when our children feel dysregulated this can be triggering, but they need us to stay calm. Use calming strategies and/or take a minute to yourself to be calm, so you can help them.

  6. Use active listening skills.

  7. Ask open-ended questions they can't answer with one or phrase.

  8. Be a role model - our children learn from us, so be sure to show yourself empathy and understanding so they will show themselves empathy and understanding.


Tip 4: Set Boundaries


Boundaries are an important part of having a positive parent-child relationship. Sometimes people think that Positive Parenting means you have to be overly permissive, but that is not the case. You need to set boundaries, so your child knows what is and is not appropriate for your family and home. Children do need boundaries because:

  • it helps them feel safe.

  • it helps disrupt entitlement.

  • encourages healthy limits.

  • sets them up for success as adults.

  • helps them learn how to set healthy boundaries.


Tips for setting healthy boundaries:

  1. Decide what your boundaries are for your family. Every family is different so you need to decide what is important and acceptable for you, your family, and your home.

  2. Set rules, limits, and routines - this helps your child know what to expect and feel safe.

  3. Communicate clearly so your expectations are known to your child(ren) (be sure your expectations are age appropriate).

  4. Be consistent - consistent routines and expectations help your child follow the boundaries, otherwise, it can be confusing. Also, be sure to have consistent and natural consequences if those boundaries are not followed.

  5. Be calm, warm, and firm - staying calm, using a warm tone, while still holding the boundary firm is a must. You want to communicate that these boundaries are not negotiable, while still showing that you love and care without triggering your child's fight or flight response.

  6. Use specific praise when your child is meeting your expectations. "Thank you for listening the first time I told you to come to the dinner table, good listening skills!"

  7. Let your child decide their own boundaries and model following your own and your family's boundaries. Your child may really dislike being tickled or giving hugs to people (or any number of other things) and it is important to respect those boundaries, so they will respect the boundaries you have put into place. Our children learn from watching us, so be sure you are a role model.


Tip 5: Nurture Emotions


Nurturing emotions is very much related to showing empathy and understanding. Too often as adults, our first inclination is to make our kids negative emotions go away as quickly as possible. However, it is important we allow our children to feel all emotions and teach them to handle those emotions.


I recently realized that anytime my child is not happy, I was trying to figure out what was wrong so I could fix it. But personally, I have bad days sometimes (often for no particular reason) and it drives me nuts when someone tries to fix it instead of just listening to me. So why do I expect something different from my son? This made me realize I need to nurture my son's emotions and give him the grace I would give to an adult. Sometimes this is hard! But as with everything, I continue to practice.


Tips for nurturing your child's emotions:

  1. Let your child feel. It is important to let them know their feels are okay and it's good to show them (safely).

  2. Just be there with them. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just sit with our kid(s) in their feeling. Communicate with them that you are here and you will stay with them.

  3. Set boundaries. When big feelings come out it can be hard for our little ones to control their bodies, but it is important for all people and property to be safe from destruction. "All feelings are okay, but it is not okay to kick me."

  4. Remind them this too will pass. Our emotions are temporary, gently remind them they will feel better soon.

  5. Teach them strategies to deal with emotions. This way your child knows an outlet or strategy that will help them calm down instead fo a behavior that should be avoided. (Remember they need to practice these strategies when they are calm to be able to use them when upset.)

  6. Tell your child that they are good and kind. All of us make mistakes or have made bad choices. It is important for our kids to be told that they are not their mistakes. Your emotions are not who you are. You are good and kind even when you are angry or having a bad day.

  7. Be aware of what is age appropriate. Set age-appropriate expectations for you and your child. Very young children are completely reliant on you to help them regulate their emotions.

  8. Read books and use pretend play to teach your children about managing their feelings.

  9. You need to stay calm. Your child needs to borrow your calm and regulate their emotions. If you are getting upset too, it will likely escalate the emotional situation.

  10. Reflect once everyone is calm. It provides a great opportunity to discuss what happened, why, and how it could be handled better next time (or a great time to praise using coping strategies).


Tip 6: Be Supportive & Encouraging


Sometimes it is amazing how intuitive our children are. By showing our support and providing encouragement regularly, we can make them feel secure.


Tips for showing support and encouragement:

  1. Use active listening skills.

  2. Take an interest in your child's interests and experiences and if you have multiple kids honor their individuality

  3. Tell your child that you love them just the way they are

  4. Use specific praise often

  5. Let your child hear you talk about them positively

  6. Have fun with them as much as possible

  7. Give lots of hugs

  8. Have a special thing you do regularly with each child

  9. Include your kid(s) in family decisions

  10. Offer your child love and support even when they make mistakes

There are so many things we can do as caregivers to support and encourage our children to be who they are and know they are loved. Find what works well for your family.


Tip 7: Be a Role Model


Our children learn from watching us and others in their environment. I am sure we have all experienced our child repeating undesirable behavior from ourselves, siblings, other kids at school/daycare, and so forth. So it is so important to model the behavior we want them to use including in relationships. Your kids likely have learned about relationships from watching you and those they interact with regularly.


Tips for positive modeling:

  1. Be intentional about the environment your child is in because it is so important they are around good role models who reinforce positive behavior.

  2. Provide specific praise for good behavior often.

  3. If your child does see negative behaviors, talk to them about why those behaviors are not acceptable.

  4. Model good behavior yourself

  5. Don't expect perfection for yourself or your child. You will make mistakes and so will they. Show grace and your child will as well. Use mistakes as a learning opportunity.


Tip 8: Calmly Handle Challenges


When challenging situations arise, it can be difficult to remain calm. However, our children need our calm if they are going to be calm. Additionally, staying calm is a great way to show your child how to handle difficult situations themselves. It also provides a safe environment for them to handle the situation. It may take some time (a lifetime) of practice, but it is worth taking the time to practice remaining calm. Practice your own calming strategies when you are actually calm as you will better be able to access them when you need them.


Tips for being a calm parent:

  1. Pause and consider your child's brain development. Young children have not yet developed self control or emotional regulation. Use this pause to consider their point of view.

  2. Use your own calming strategies to stay calm as your child is not.

  3. Reflect - often we are triggered by our children's behaviors based on our own childhood. So take the time to consider what is triggering you, so you can make a conscious decision to stay cool in those situations.

  4. Take a break if you need one - sometimes you need a few minutes to yourself to catch your breath and regulate. Take one if needed (and if it is safe to leave your children), sometimes this may be after you have calmed them. (Personally, I think a little screen time is okay in this situation if you are using it as a tool to give yourself a minute to regulate.)

  5. Be kind to yourself. If you did not stay calm, wait until everyone involved is calm (including you) and apologize. Then consider how your response could be improved in the future and move on.


Tip 9: Show Your Love


This is similar to showing support and encouragement, but more broad. You know you love your child more than anything, be sure to show them the love regularly. Personally, my goal is for my child to never have a doubt in his mind that I love him unconditionally.


Tips for showing unconditional love:

  1. Tell your child you love them regularly, even (especially) on hard days.

  2. Ask your child open-ended questions and use active listening skills.

  3. Spend quality time together where you are present (regularly scheduled is great!)

  4. Get to know them and appreciate them for who they are (not who you think they should be or want them to be)

  5. Show support and encouragement for who they are as an individual

  6. Have family dinners (and cook it together!)

  7. Give specific compliments and talk about them positively (so they can hear you). (For my little one, I have started telling his stuffies specific compliments about him before bed, he loves it!)

  8. Show affection (our kids learn how to love from us and they need affection!)

  9. Celebrate them and tell them you are proud of them - make a big deal for them.

  10. Teach them - give them the skills to be successful by teaching them what you want them to know.

At the end of the day remember to show them love you also need to show yourself love. Keep practicing unconditional love and forgive yourself (and request their forgiveness when needed) when you make a mistake.


Tip 10: Remember These are the Glory Days


I think this is the most important one for me personally. I will often feel sad during these wonderful moments with my son because I know they are fleeting. However, I try to be grateful for each moment as it arrives because this is the time that I will never get back with my child.


Have you heard the song Glory Days by Gabby Barrett? I heard her explain that she wrote it because she always heard people use this term to describe something in the past. However, she felt like is so blessed and grateful for what her life is right now that she wanted to use it to describe her present. I loved this explanation!


Even in the daily struggle, enjoy every moment with your children. Too soon (for us) they will be adults.




Summary


A strong parent-child relationship means providing secure attachment for your child, which is essential for healthy brain development. It is vital to your child's development to provide a loving and nurturing relationship and environment for them to thrive. A secure attachment provides the nurture their brain needs to make neuron connections and meet key developmental milestones.


Depending on the way you were raised, it may be difficult to show love, affection, and nurturing outwardly with your children. That is okay, it just takes practice to develop the skills to do this. I hope these tips will help you develop a strong and lasting relationship with your kid(s).


Throughout this process remember to be kind to yourself as well as your children. No one is perfect! Keep practicing and keep showing up for your children and they will see the effort and love you give.


Remember Mama, you are doing a great job! You got this!


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